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Image Credits:Chris O'Meara / AP

If The 2016 Candidates Were Tech Companies

Cat Zakrzewski
Alex Wilhelm
Jeb Bush: Oracle
Name recognition, lots of money, respected by entrenched powers, but not that popular with end users, er, voters? Thatu2019s them! (AP Photo/Chris O’Meara)
“Image Credits:Chris O'Meara / AP
Ben Carson: Theranos
Both continue to shock us with scientific claims we wouldnu2019t expect from people with medical credentials. (AP Photo/Brennan Linsley)”Image Credits:Brennan Linsley / AP
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Microsoft
Sheu2019s been an integral part of all of our lives since the 90s. Just when you think sheu2019s down for the count, she keeps coming back for more. But instead of surprising you with a Surface Book, she charms her way through an 11-hour Benghazi hearing. (AP Photo/Robert F. Bukaty)”Image Credits:Robert F. Bukaty / AP
Donald Trump: Reddit
Most people would only say the crazy things the Donald says if they were in anonymous forum.

Runner up: 4Chan.

(AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill)
“
Bernie Sanders: Instagram
Your hipster friends are all obsessed, but youu2019re more likely to help your parents understand filters than vote for him.
(AP Photo/Jim Cole)”
Chris Christie: Uber
Weu2019re willing to bet thereu2019s just as much plotting and scheming in Christieu2019s campaign offices as Travis Kalanicku2019s war room. (AP Photo/Julio Cortez)”
John Kasich: EMC
Kasich is, you know, that guy. Youu2019d recognize him if you saw him! Well, perhaps he is from a slightly different era. EMC, this is your doppelganger. (AP Photo/Steve Helber)”
Ted Cruz: Lyft
On Wednesday night he assured us he was Americau2019s designated driver. Usually Lyft is mine. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)”Image Credits:AP
Carly Fiorina: HP
In case you havenu2019t heard from every debate moderator, pundit, journalist, and former employee, she wasnu2019t a very good CEO there.
(AP Photo/Cheryl Senter)”
Mike Huckabee: Clinkle
Both never had a chance, were annoying to listen to, and will ultimately be left on the cutting room floor of history. ( AP Photo/Jose Luis Magana)”
Rand Paul: The Patent Troll
Rand Paul loves to troll all day everyday, famous for filibustering everything from the recent budget deal to surveillance reform. Also heu2019s about as stuck in the Senate as patent reform is — perhaps they can share an office. (AP Photo/Jim Cole)”
Marco Rubio: Slack
Their numbers share a common facet: They are all pointing north. (AP Photo/Scott R. Galvin)”Image Credits:Scott R. Galvin / AP
Martin O'Malley: Thistle
Youu2019ve heard of him but you canu2019t really remember what he does. (AP Photo/Cheryl Senter)”Image Credits:Cheryl Senter / AP
Rick Santorum: Google
Santorum is Google, given Google’s implicit endorsement of the candidate by gifting him his own, custom search results. (AP Photo/Cheryl Senter)”Image Credits:Cheryl Senter / AP
Dear reader, Please keep in mind that this list is tongue-in-cheek. We are being silly. If you take this list seriously, and complain, we shall giggle at you. Let’s have fun!

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Cat Zakrzewski

Cat Zakrzewski is a technology policy reporter and authors The Technology 202 newsletter. She previously reported for Wall Street Journal Pro Venture Capital. Her work has also been published in TechCrunch, the Boston Globe, USA TODAY and the Chicago Sun-Times.

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Alex Wilhelm
Alex Wilhelm was a senior reporter for TechCrunch covering the markets, venture capital and startups. He was also the founding host of TechCrunch’s Webby Award-winning podcast Equity.
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October 27-29, 2025
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