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Five things Apple won’t announce today

John Biggs
hamPad
A tablet made entirely of ham. Delicious but unusable.”,
MacBook Pro Ports Edition
The new MacBook Pro will feature every possible port including Ethernet, Serial, Parallel, PS/2, Firewire, SCART, Kryten’s groin, and Lightning. Dongles will spontaneously ignite when plugged into the device.”,
Night Mode Mac Pro
A Mac Pro that is covered in Vantablack so dark it rends a hole in the space-time continuum. Originally posited to exist by the late physicist Stephen Hawking, the Night Mode Mac Pro is so dense and dark that nothing – not even thought – can escape its innards.”,
Anything with a damn SD card slot
Come on. Really?”,
In honor of Apple Day in Brooklyn we present five things Apple definitely won’t announce today.

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John Biggs
John Biggs is a writer, consultant, programmer, former East Coast Editor and current contributing writer for TechCrunch. He writes mainly about technology, cryptocurrency, security, gadgets, gear, wristwatches, and the internet. After spending his formative years as a programmer, he switched his profession and became a full-time entrepreneur andwriter. His work has appeared in the New York Times, Laptop, PC Upgrade, Surge, Gizmodo, Men’s Health, InSync, Linux Journal, Popular Science, Sync, and he has written a book called Black Hat: Misfits, Criminals, and Scammers in the Internet Age.
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October 27-29, 2025
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